


That thing called...Love?

by thechickadee



Category: Saturday Night Live RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-23
Updated: 2013-12-23
Packaged: 2018-01-05 17:32:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1096616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thechickadee/pseuds/thechickadee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The journey throughout the years of Seth and Amy; ups, downs, and everything in between. Goes up to present day.</p><p> And yeah the title is a 'Thoroughly Modern Milly' reference.</p>
            </blockquote>





	That thing called...Love?

**Author's Note:**

> This was the first fanfic i ever wrote; it's like my baby. Comments are appreciated!

Amy's been through a lot. Most of it good, some of it bad. At first, she spent her days living for laughter, craving it like a lifeline. In reality, that part of her never really left. Then, as she started to settle into comedy, she came to a realization that she was lonely. 

She had a great family, and loving friends, but she wanted more than that. She wanted someone she could lean on. Someone who, when she was with him, could see right through her tough exterior. 

She successfully convinced her friends she scorned love, that it was sappy and overrated, (even though Tina claims she never believed it for a second). On the inside, Amy was a badass, totally independent princess that sort of really wanted a knight in shining armor. 

She had spent so many years pondering the question, “What is love?”, that she knew less of it than ever. Ever since she was a little girl, she had dreamed of a handsome prince whisking her off into a sunset, to happily ever after.

But nobody ever told her happily ever after would be so damn confusing. 

When she met Will, tall, dark, and handsome, her future flashed before her eyes and she was happy. He was her prince; she believed with all her heart that she was in love, and it bubbled over in smiles and laughter every day.

Almost as soon as she had decided she had found true love, Will proposed, and she saw the door labeled “happily ever after”. And she took it without hesitation. 

For the first few years, she really lived in a fairytale. They were described as a “perfect couple” all over the internet, pictures of their joy and happiness spreading like online wildfire. 

She will never forget those first few years. Nothing could hurt her, nothing could stop her, and life was a huge happy game.

And then, a tiny seed of doubt and worry and something else began to grow inside her.

She had started Weekend Update with Seth, and she was having the time of her life. He was her best friend, her rock. Even though she called him a girl on a regular basis, and punched him more than necessary, she leaned on him and he leaned on her. She had thought it was simple.

Until one day in the fall when she got home late. It was Saturday night, (or Sunday morning), and a very wild after party had come to an end. Amy took a cab home, and got into bed next to Will, not bothering to change. 

The next morning when she woke up, her head was pounding and her mouth was dry. She reached out and grabbed her phone and opened it, finding over a hundred blurry photos of the party. She knew she shouldn’t have given her phone to Maya. When she realized half of them were of Seth dancing on the bar, falling over, and of course, random shots of his face from various unflattering angles, she started laughing, shaking shoulders and teary eyes.

Will wandered into the bedroom and scooted next to Amy, trying to see what was so funny.

When she finally collected herself enough to explain it to him, he didn’t look amused, and she felt put out. 

“Aren’t you going to delete them?” he had asked stiffly, after a minute of her flipping back and forth between three embarrassingly funny pictures of Seth.  
“But they’re hilarious! I have to make a collage and put it up in his office to shame him,” she exclaimed, still laughing.

Will rolled his eyes and climbed out of bed.  
“Hey,” called Amy, suddenly feeling irritated. “Is there a problem?”  
“Nope. No problem,” he replied, his tone conveying the exact opposite.

She lay back in bed and thought long and hard, and then she looked at her phone again. She scrolled to the last picture and froze. She and Seth were both passed out, sitting against the wall, her head leaning on his shoulder and his head leaning on hers. 

The realization hit her like a ton of bricks. Somehow she had been leaning on Seth when she should have been leaning on Will. Was she the only one who hadn’t noticed? Suddenly she flashed back to every time Maya winked at her, or every time Tina left her and Seth in a room alone together. It seemed like the whole world was in on a secret she didn’t even know. 

She spent hours, weeks, days, trying to sort out what it all meant. And week by week, Seth’s eyes twinkled more, his cheeks dimpled more often, and his hand comforted hers when she was sad or lonely. And month by month, it was his jacket she wore when she was cold, and his door she went to when she found out something terrible, wonderful, or even just interesting. And day by day, week by week, month by month, her heart grew in the worst possible way. 

For the millionth time, she found herself asking, “What is love?”. She had thought she was in love with Will, but Seth came along and now she just didn’t know. The very existence of the word “love” in the dictionary was a lie to her, and whoever thought love could be defined was a dumbass.

She started spending quality time with Will again, and they were happy once more—with one caveat. Every something reminded her of Seth, (and something always did), it was like a punch to the gut, reminding her that she couldn’t just ignore her feelings and pretend everything was perfect forever.

And then she got pregnant.

 

She was overflowing with joy. Colors were brighter, sounds were sharper, and the world in general was a great place. In those nine months, she had a clarity that had never come to her before. She was a wife with a loving husband, and she was having their child. She labeled herself, and therefore fell into an uncomplicated dynamic in the duration of those nine months.

As she sat on the bed in the delivery room, she felt something indescribable. And that same feeling came back to her when she turned on the recording of the show that she missed. At the end of Weekend Update, Seth signed off, looked straight into the camera, and yelled, “We love you, Amy!”. And she cried. Because she knew him like she knew herself, and she had seen his eyes find her through the camera. And she had heard the word “we”, but felt the word “I”.

She refused to be kept in the hospital for more than three days, and she would have left the day after she got there if she had a choice. Will was the perfect husband; he brought her clothes, food, and triple chocolate ice cream each night. They would hold Archie and stare at him together, in awe of his tiny body. 

On her last day in the hospital, Seth came. It was Tuesday night, and Will was at the store stocking up on baby food and diapers. 

She was holding Archie when he came, and she almost didn’t notice him standing in the doorway. Since when had he been quiet? 

She suddenly had a flashback to the first time they met, in the 30 Rockefeller lobby on a Monday afternoon. She was sitting on the floor, cross-legged, playing with the buttons on her shirt nervously, trying to calm her nerves. This was before her audition, before her shot at fame, before things were complicated. She looked up and saw him standing by the door, just like he was now. She remembers exactly what he was wearing and how he looked. He was young, skinny, and his suit jacket was much too big for him. His bright eyes were lively and filled with excitement like a kid’s. Their eyes met, and he nodded slightly to her, a mutual understanding of what was happening to them.

In the hospital room, it was different. The look they shared held much more than understanding. 

For once, they were both at a loss for words. Amy beamed at him, her special hundred-watt smile reserved just for Seth, and he walked over to the side of the bed, grinning.  
“You did it, Poehls!” he laughed softly. He reached out to tug on her ear, as he so often did, but his hand paused, and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear instead. 

Her throat felt tight at the strangely intimate gesture, and she looked down quickly. She was not allowed to feel this way, and neither was he. She focused her attention on Archie and felt a smile lighting her face almost immediately.  
“He’s beautiful. He has your eyes,” whispered Seth, reaching down to touch his tiny hand. “He’s…a mini you,” he whispered.

Amy sparkled with pride. “Do you want to hold him?”  
Seth looked nervous and she laughed inwardly. He had probably never held a baby before in his life. As he sat down on the bed next to her, she handed him Archie carefully.

Seth’s face had her captivated. She marveled at how different he looked holding her baby—gentle, protecting. He stared down at Archie, feeling the enormous gravity of the tiny being in his arms, but not resenting it. He could feel the coming change, but he could see no other choice than to welcome it.

Amy rested her hand over Seth’s where it lay by Archie’s cheek. Softly, she whispered, “Say hi to your uncle Seth”. 

They let the words sink in and sat there for a while, but Seth inevitably had to turn in a script. They said their goodbyes and, unusually subdued, she was left alone again.

Holding Archie, she fell into one last night of deep sleep.

 

More than half a year had passed, and Archie was perfect, growing and learning every day. But Amy was tired.

Lately, Will had been working overtime on his show and a couple of movies, and taking care of Archie by herself was wiping Amy out.

SNL was still as hectic as ever, and Amy couldn’t take it anymore. She wasn’t getting enough sleep, and the makeup guys were having a harder and harder time covering up the bags under her eyes.

Finally, one night when Will had shut himself in their room to read lines, once again leaving her to feed and bathe Archie, she stopped to think. This was unfair.

She kissed Archie on the cheek and walked into the bedroom with him, putting him on the bed next to Will.  
“You’re going to stay with Daddy for a little bit, Mommy’s going out,” she said to Archie. Turning to Will, she added, “Don’t wait up. I just really need some alone time right now.”

Ignoring his annoyed look and throwing on some jeans and a sweatshirt, she pulled her hair into a ponytail and walked out into the night. Alone, for the first time in almost seven months. 

She wandered around, trying to place what was nagging at her. She had the feeling that things were going to change, and it made her uneasy. She thought about the past seven months, with Archie at the center of her life, and everything else pushed to the side, and realized that things had already changed around her.

With the uneasy feeling still heavy in her stomach, she called a cab and didn’t think twice about giving the driver Seth’s address. 

Pulling up to his building, she threw some cash at the river and ran up the stairs to his door. It had been a really long time since she had been to his apartment, and she felt an odd sense of unfamiliarity. 

When he answered the door in a white T-Shirt and Mickey Mouse boxers, she laughed heartily and pushed him out of the way so she could get inside.

“Poehler Bear!” He exclaimed with a grin. “What a nice surprise on a Sunday night! You know, you should call before you take over my apartment.”

“Oh yeah? Why is that?” she asked, plopping down on his couch and putting her feet up on the coffee table.

“What if I had a girl in here?” he asked, his arms crossed, a feigned look of indignance on his face.  
Amy laughed at him. “Puh-lease. Like you’ve got game.” She patted the seat next to her and beckoned him over. “C’mon Meyers, let’s talk.”

Seth studied her expression and found something faraway in her eyes, and he quietly settled down next to her, their arms touching.  
“So Will is taking care of Archie?” asked Seth.  
Amy smiled slightly. “I told him I needed some alone time”.  
“And yet…here you are.”  
“Here I am,” she answered, unsure of how to voice her thoughts. Unsure of what her thoughts even were.

They sat in silence some more, until Seth finally asked, “So what’s bothering you?”  
Amy took a deep breath. “Seth…I just can’t do it anymore.”  
“Can’t do what?” he asked gently.  
She ignored his question. “I’m so tired all the time, and I love Archie so much, and I want to be there for him at every moment, but I can’t. I have no time,” she admitted, her voice small.

She tried to stop herself from saying more, but she could feel Seth listening to her, and she was talking before she even knew what she was saying.  
“Will is never there for him. Or me. He’s always working on something, and we never just talk the way we used to, and it’s just…harder now. To do everything I did before.” She felt tears burning in her eyes, and she looked away, trying to steady herself. 

Seth took it all in quietly. “Is this about Will?” he asked softly.  
She wiped her eyes quickly. “No. Yes…No! It’s not about Will, it’s about me, and what’s best for Archie.” She turned her head away again, her head feeling light.

She finally realized what she had come here to say, what she had known was coming for a long time.  
Seth grabbed her hand and squeezed it. “Amy, tell me what this is about. Please,” he begged.  
She turned to face him, her eyes shining with unshed tears.

“I’m leaving SNL.”

Seth froze, unable to process her words. The last few months had been hell without her, and the only way he had gotten through it was counting down the days until she came back. And now she was never coming back. The thought of being permanently without her made him want to throw up.

Amy finally broke, and began to shake with sobs, her hands covering her face. She felt Seth’s arms wrap around her, and her heart twisted painfully. He held her tiny frame and they cried together for what seemed like forever, time suspended in the air. They held each other until they grew quiet, realizing they were in a sold embrace, and not wanting to move. 

“When?” whispered Seth.  
“I think this week is it,” replied Amy.

She wanted to say so much more. She wanted to tell him that they would still see each other all the time and always be best friends, but the words were stuck in her throat. Part of her knew it would be different. They would have no more insanely late nights in her office, trying frantically to finish the script by morning. No more hours of scanning headlines for update jokes, then turning it into a balled-up newspaper fight at two A.M. No more getting drunk instead of writing jokes, and having a dance party on top of her desk. And most of all, they had no more excuse to spend each waking moment together.

One look at his face, and she knew he was thinking the same thing. So they sat still in each other’s arms until it was well after midnight. She fell asleep in his arms, only to be woken up.

“Amy,” he whispered softly in her ear.  
She stirred, and snuggled into him more. He closed his eyes and breathed her hair in once more, then nudged her again.  
“Amy, wake up.”

This time she opened her eyes. Her whole arm was falling asleep, and she could feel the gross mascara on her face gluing her eyes shut. She just wanted to fall asleep with him on this couch again and possibly never leave.

“Seth, let me stay, please,” she asked quietly.

He squeezed her hand, but reached out and handed her her jacket, helping her put it on. “Not today,” he said gently. “You have a son, and a husband who you love, who is probably worried. C’mon, I’ll drive you.”

And she didn’t say anything when he took her hand and led her to his car, helping her in and getting in the driver’s seat.  
They drove in silence, fearing that one word would shatter the fragile glass bubble they were currently in together. As they finally pulled up outside her house, though, Amy spoke.

“I’m sorry, Seth. That…that I’m leaving. I’m sorry.”

“Hey,” said Seth, reaching over to wipe a tear away. “No sorries. I’m going to miss you like hell, Poehler. You can’t even imagine how much I’m going to miss you, but…but you have more important things to think about now. Bigger and better things. This is a good thing for you.”

She looked at him, wanting to stay, not wanting to go inside.  
He grinned. “Plus, you finally don’t have to listen to my terrible sex jokes anymore.” He winked at her, and she laughed despite her misery, reaching out to ruffle his hair.  
“Thanks, she said sincerely, her hand sliding down to rest on his jaw. “For being there.”  
He smiled. “I’ll always be there, Amy.”

And with that she left the car, walking into her dark house and slipping into bed beside Will, and resigning to yet another restless night.

 

Saturday was a blur; her last show was finally here. The whole day was surreal, and she barely held it together while saying goodbye on camera. She managed to hold it in until the hugs, until she just couldn’t anymore. She did, however, avoid Seth, for fear that her feelings would be all too transparent. 

And at the after-after party, she was all cried out. Which is when she went to sit on a bar stool next to Seth. For once, she was relatively sober at an after-after party, but only because it was her last one, and she actually wanted to remember it the next day. 

Seth was drunk off his ass. As much as he wanted to stay conscious, he was slowly dying inside at the thought of sitting at their update desk alone. So he kept the shots coming until he could barely see straight. 

Amy noticed how bad he was immediately.  
“Whoa there, Seth, buddy, slow down on the drinks!” she exclaimed, pushing the glasses away from him. She was slightly worried, even she had never seen him this drunk before. And usually when he was drunk, he was loud and funny. But tonight he hadn’t said a single word to anyone.  
“You ok, Meyers?” she asked gently.  
“Amyyyyyy,” he said, putting a hand on her shoulder heavily. “Whyyyy are you leaving me?” he asked, his words slurring together.  
She sighed, but he answered his own question.  
“I know, I know. You have a family. Good for you. I’ll just be alone, in my apartment, for the rest of my life, if you ever need me.”  
Amy’s heart sank. He was drunk and emotional and sad, and it was because of her.

She stood up and led him carefully to the dance floor, where slow, languid tunes were floating out of the speakers. She looped her arms around his neck and put her head against his chest, closing her eyes as his heartbeat filled her ears. She had long ago taken off her heels, and his chin rested on the top of her head. His arms circled her waist as they swayed to the music, frozen in time. 

Finally she looked up at him. This was it. Their last dance; the end of an era. 

He looked down straight into her eyes. She could see how drunk he was, but she didn’t care. All she could see was the sadness in his eyes, weighing him down. She put her hand on his cheek and rested it there, drawing miniscule circles with her finger. He leaned closer to her and tilted his head down, leaning his forehead on hers. She held his gaze, a slave to the grey storm clouds in his eyes.

“Amy Poehler,” he slurred softly.  
“That’s me,” she replied, wrinkling her nose at the strong scent of alcohol on his breath. 

“I love you,” he said.

Time stopped for a full five seconds. Or at least, that’s what it felt like to her. 

She swallowed. “Seth, you’re drunk,” she said, warning him.  
“So what?” he whispered. “I had a crush on you for so long, and then at some point I fell in love with you, with your monkey arms and tiny body, and magical smile and golden hair, and sparkly eyes and hard ass attitude that didn’t fool me for a second.”

Her throat felt like it was closing, swallowing her whole.  
“Seth,” she whispered shallowly, half wanting him to continue, but half knowing this had already gone too far.

He ignored her warning and looked straight through to her heart. 

“Do you love me?” he asked, his voice steadier than it had been all night.

She froze, her heart going a mile a minute. ‘I don’t fucking know!!’ she wanted to scream. She really didn’t know. She couldn’t say yes; she couldn’t. But she couldn’t say no.

So she kissed him instead. 

She didn’t know what made her think it was a better alternative, but she just couldn’t take the misery in his eyes anymore. 

And it was like an electric shock. Hid grip tightened around her, and it only lasted for a second, and when she pulled away, he said, “okay.”

That’s it.

But she knew he understood. It could be felt, but not said.

And the next morning when she woke up, she had a voicemail from him. It said:

“Hey Poehls! So…Sorry if I did anything stupid last night…or stupider than usual I guess. I was totally wasted; the whole night is a total blur. And if I did do something stupid, I’m sure I’ll never hear the end of it. Hope you had a great time! I’ll see you Monday! …I mean….uh…”

There was a long pause. So long, she wondered if that was the end of the message.  
Then he cleared his throat.  
“I’ll see you, I guess. Call me sometime…we can grab lunch.”  
Another pause.  
Then: “Bye, Poehler.”  
And the phone goes dead.

She listened to her voicemail, went into the bathroom, closed the door, and cried. Because it had only been six hours and she ached from the anticipation of missing him in the years to come. Because the sound of his voice reminded her of what had happened, reminded her of the kiss he would never remember. She cried because even though it was better that he didn’t remember, she wanted him to. 

Sitting on her bathroom floor, crying, she started to see a new image of what love was. And for the first time, she hated it.

 

It was 2010: two whole years after SNL and into Parks and Rec, and she was pregnant again. Of course she was overjoyed, but things had been hard lately. Will had become distant lately, and Seth was always busy writing, and she felt like she had lost a part of her life, like a missing puzzle piece. She didn’t know what it was or how to fix it, so she wandered aimlessly through the weeks, just trying to get through each day.

After she gave birth to Abel, it was like Déjà vu. She had to stay in the hospital, Will was being a great husband, and Seth came on the last day.

This time, Will had Abel, and she was alone in the room.

“How’s mommy?” Seth asked with a radiant smile, crushing her in a bear hug. She laughed and hugged him back, wondering what seemed different. He was bouncier, free almost. After a while, she couldn’t take it anymore. 

“Spill, Meyers.”  
He looked like he was about to protest, but he blushed instead.  
Amy stared at him. Seth Meyers was blushing.  
“Nothing! I just met a girl, ok?” he said defensively.  
“Well, you must really like this girl, because you look like you’re sixteen right now,” she retorted. “Tell me about this girl of yours.”

She listened to Seth describe his new girlfriend and watched his face light up with excitement, and immediately knew that she wasn’t just another girl. In face, she was perfect for him, and that’s what she told him. 

He deserved his fairytale, even if it seemed like hers ended a long time ago. 

Will never looked at her the way she used to, and she was being honest, it wasn’t entirely his fault. She was just confused. It seemed like she felt exactly the same as she did two years ago, and everyone else was moving on around her. She knew she had to fight for it, but even she didn’t have much energy left.

 

Another two years later, she was done fighting. She had a two-year old, a four-year old, and a T.V. show. She wasn’t stupid; she and Will were done. They had been for a while, but they never brought it up, until they decided it was unfair to the boys to keep pretending they were fine. So they decided together. One day, Will told her she could stay and he would find another place; a final display of chivalry from her prince. There was no drama, no shouting, and no crazy declarations of hatred or love. They worked out a system where they alternated weeks with the kids. Amy had them first. The day he moved out. 

She couldn’t tell her babies that he was gone, that love is stupid, and happily ever after is a stupid lie to get you through life. So she dropped them off at her parents’ house with some generic excuse, and went to the park, just as it started to get dark. 

She felt like she had just jumped into a pool of ice water; she wasn’t crying, she was numb. But she also wasn’t stupid enough to drive anywhere else, for fear that this would finally hit her on the freeway and she would have a crazy breakdown like these desperate women on reality T.V. Nine years wasn’t exactly a short relationship. So she did what she always did in crazy situations. She called Seth.

It rang two times before she hung up, losing her nerve suddenly. This never used to happen to her, but now things were…different. It was almost eight on a Friday night, and he had a girlfriend. They were probably busy. It was late autumn in New York, and they had probably gone somewhere to enjoy the night.

She kept throwing scenarios out until her head hurt. And then her phone rang. 

It was Seth.  
His picture popped up wearing an elf’s hat and green leggings from after their SNL Christmas sketch a million years ago, his face mid-laugh, hand clutching his stomach, eyes teary and cheeks stretched wide.

The picture tugged at her heart, and she remembered that day. The sketch hadn’t even been that funny, but she could barely keep it together because of how ridiculous he looked. And of course, that made him laugh. And they were still laughing hard the next day when Amy tried to steal his costume from wardrobe and take it home.

With a start, everything clicked into place. That missing puzzle piece?

It was laughter. 

She couldn’t remember the last time she had really laughed.  
She grabbed her phone and hit ‘answer’, pressing it to her ear, needing to hear his voice, needing to see his smile, needing to laugh.

“Hi,” she said.  
“Hi!” he answered. “What’s up, buttercup?”  
She paused to smile at his cheesy line.  
“Nothing much. I just…wanted to talk, I guess.”  
After a beat, he asked, “Poehler, are you outside?”  
She frowned. How did he know that? “What are you, psychic?”  
“Amy, I can hear cars in the background. What are you doing outside? It’s freezing! It’s supposed to snow later tonight!”

Amy paused, surprised, noticing her breath form a cloud in front of her. She hadn’t even noticed the bitter cold until he had mentioned it. She accepted the fact that she was probably in shock, and laughed dryly, the sound cutting harshly into the cold night.  
“Amy, is everything ok? Where are you?” asked Seth, the concern obvious in his voice.  
“At the park,” she replied simply, offering no further explanation.  
“Stay put. I’ll be there in ten,” he said, and she heard keys jingling. He hung up before she could try and dissuade him. 

With nothing else to focus on, she started to realize how cold she really was. She wasn’t even wearing a jacket, just a t-shirt and jeans. She felt exhausted and cold, and her fingers were numb, and she lay down on the park bench, curling up as tightly as she could. Before long, she fell into a nightmare-like haze, shivering, half-asleep, wondering if it had all been a dream and she would wake up with Will next to her, happy, warm, and a family again.

But then there were hands shaking her, gently, then more urgently.  
She opened her eyes slowly and saw Seth leaning over her, looking scared and relieved all at once, but it was like her brain was still covered with a blanket of sleep and cold.

“Amy, can you hear me?” he was saying. “God, you’re freezing.” And he was wrapping his jacket around her and helping her to her feet. But her legs refused to walk.  
Her mind was waking up, finally realizing the magnitude of the situation. She would never wake up with Will Again. Archie and Abel would spend their lives split between two homes, with parents who didn’t love each other. Nine years of her life and it was just… over. 

She just stood there in his jacket, grabbing his arm and gasping for air, her throat feeling like it was closing. Seth was beyond worried, trying to stay calm. From what he could tell, him losing it would not help the situation.

“Amy, please. Let me take you to the car,” he coaxed, and slowly, she calmed down enough to walk with him and climb into his back seat. She leaned against the window, unable to do anything but feel the cold glass against her cheek. She stared out into the night while he turned on the heater and joined her in the back. 

She could feel him next to her, but she couldn’t find the strength to look at him. “Will moved out. We’re…done,” she said finally, more to herself than to him. 

Seth was speechless. Her pain hit him in the chest and he felt a weight of sadness on her shoulders.  
“Amy, I’m so sorry,” he said softly, sincerity evident in his voice.  
“He’s gone, Seth. He’s gone,” she said, still looking out her window, her voice broken and her hands limp in her lap.

And then, finally, she cried. Out of sadness, relief, because she was overwhelmed, cold, and exhausted. And she let him hold her as she cried, shaking with sobs.

 

“You know what?” she said bitterly, after a while. “Love is complete bullshit.”

Seth sighed, playing with a strand of her hair. “You know it’s not. I…I know it’s not.”

Amy laughed harshly. “I loved Will. He loved me. Look how that turned out. And you—“ she paused, the words so close to coming out.

“I what?” he asked quietly.  
She looked into his eyes. “How did it work out for you?” she asked, her blue eyes boring into his.

He averted his gaze. “It worked out great. I have a serious girlfriend, remember?”

“Don’t you dare give me that,” she warned, her eyes blazing with tears and anger. “You loved me. You told me, and you asked me if I loved you and I kissed you and you didn’t fucking remember the next day and it…it killed me.”  
She tried to stop, but his guarded face only ebbed her on.  
“You know what, Seth? After that, I picked myself up and I kept going. Because a part of you was better than no you at all. And sometimes I convinced myself that maybe, just maybe, I should move on and I forget I ever saw you in that fucking lobby on audition day. I really tried to stop needing you, Seth. I really tried. But guess what? It didn’t fucking work. I’m still stupid in love with you.”

She finished abruptly, realizing what she had said, but she didn’t try to cover it up. She was past caring about it anymore. She turned away and cried into his jacket she still wore.

“Amy,” he whispered, reaching for her hand and holding it between his. “I did remember. That night. I…I do remember.”

Her head whipped around, the shock clear in her eyes, and before he could explain himself, her mouth found him in a frantic, dizzying kiss. She fisted her hands in his shirt until her knuckles turned white, like it was the only thing left she could hold on to.

For a second he froze, but he turned off his brain and kissed her back. Because even if it made him a terrible person, he knew this would never happen again, and they both needed this kiss to feel any sense of closure.

After a minute, they slowly drew apart, eyes closed, sitting as close as possible in the backseat of his car and breathing each other in, knowing this was the end of something. 

She lay down on the seat, pulling him down next to her.

“Stay,” she said, her voice heavy with emotion and exhaustion. And he didn’t protest. He pulled her into a sideways embrace, and she buried her head in his chest, breathing in his warmth and comfort. Before long, she was asleep, everything familiar to her wrapped up in one hug, and the safest she had ever felt.

 

One and a half years later, it was a beautiful summer day, and the sun was shining without a cloud in the sky. Amy sat in the sandbox with her two sons and laughed and played with them in the sand.  
It was around noon when Seth found them.  
Archie saw him coming first, and yelled and pointed, running up to Seth. 

Seth laughed and scooped him up, tickling him until he was shrieking wildly. Amy laughed and pulled Abel into her lap lovingly as she watched their exchange. 

Seth knelt down next to Archie. “Hey buddy, remember those paper airplanes I taught you how to make?”  
Archie nodded.  
“Why don’t you go teach your brother how to make them. Then you guys can race when you’re done!”  
“Cool!” shouted Archie, running to the sandbox and dragging Abel to the grass.  
“Archie, be careful, ok?’ Amy called after him.

Seth plopped down next to Amy.  
“What’s up, buttercup?” said Amy, grinning at him.  
He smiled nervously and tapped his foot in the sand. Amy looked him over and handed him a toy truck, trying to put him at ease. 

“I have some news,” he said finally. She raised her eyebrows, trying to read his expression. 

“I proposed to Alexi and she said yes!” he burst out, smiling like the sun.  
Amy beamed. “Way to go Meyers! That’s amazing! Congratulations!” she exclaimed excitedly, hugging him tightly until he was gasping for air.  
“Okay, I have one question,” he said.  
“Shoot,” she answered, still beaming.  
“My brother’s my best man, and I know it’s not exactly…traditional, but would you be my other best man?” 

“Meyers!” she exclaimed, with tears in her eyes. “Yes! Yes, yes, yes!

She held his hand and danced for joy with him at that playground because she realized how happy he was. And she wouldn’t have changed it for the world.

 

After Seth left the playground, Amy sat in the sandbox with her boys and just smiled. Archie was building a sand castle, and Able was just digging, but they were both completely happy.

And then it hit her. This was true love. She looked at them and felt whole inside; she felt happy and strong. That feeling she had when she held each of her sons for the first time, it was love. Pure, uncomplicated love, reinforced by centuries of human nature itself. It was the love that no one could take away from her, the love that she could never doubt or question, the love that would always exist in the world. When she looked at them, she could see herself reflected back at her in a whole new light, and they filled her with a sense of pride.

Love hadn’t been an easy cakewalk for her. It had been unpredictable, painful, and total bullshit. She knew that at some point, she had been in love, with Will, with Seth. But now she realized that no matter what men came into her life, her two princes would always be Archie and Abel. 

So finally, she came to grips with the fact that the definition of love wasn’t made of words. It was the feel of Abel’s sweet kisses on her cheek, the sound of Archie’s tinkling laugh, and the bright sun on their backs as they walked to the car; the three of them on that warm summer day.


End file.
